Speaking the 5 languages of love - for more love in life
Right up front. This article does not only refer to romantic love. It refers to every form of love (encouragement, care, compassion, gratitude, compassion and much more) and to every interpersonal relationship. Be it family, friends, colleagues, the love towards oneself or towards all people, or be it the love we only share with our loved ones. It is always love and this love not only wants to be felt but also expressed.
The five languages of love? - What? Who? Why?
Gary Chapman - an American marriage counsellor crystallized after years of observation of (married) couples 5 possibilities how people can express their affection and appreciation and how they can experience and receive it. He came to the conclusion that we express our love in very different ways and then mostly expect to get back proofs of love in the same way we use them. However, since we speak different languages of love, "translation errors" occur. The transmitted love messages are simply not recognized by the recipient and are therefore often overlooked. So in order for us to be able to understand the expressions of love of our fellow human beings and to be understood ours, it is important to know all "languages" and in the best case also to learn them.
The 5 languages of love are:
Words of appreciation,
Togetherness - Quality Time,
service or "do a favor" and
"To love is to know what the other person needs." - Gary Chapman
According to Chapman, every person speaks one or two love mother tongues, so they have expressions that are familiar and natural to them. The others are foreign languages, which we first have to translate into our mother tongue in order to recognize them at all. It requires a lot of attention and care until we have anchored them so deeply in ourselves that we understand them intuitively. The effort is worth it. The understanding for each other and the ability to communicate successfully grow and long-lasting, happy relationships are the reward.
An example: compliments in the form of words are one language, deeds are another. If I only speak the language of words and now wait in vain for my partner to whisper sweet words into my ear, I may not feel loved and experience frustration. At the same time, however, I overlook how my partner, who speaks a different language, expresses his love through actions (the towels laid out ready when I want to take a shower, breakfast by the bed, the repaired bookshelf). Even if I say thank you, but don't see it as what it is, namely expressions of love, I will frustrate my partner and so a downward spiral begins: I only grumble because the words of love get stuck in my throat. My partner stops doing things for me because I do not really see and appreciate them.
So if you learn to speak all the languages of love, but especially the language of your loved one, the above mentioned downward spiral will not even occur. On the contrary: You build up together an appreciative love system in which everyone is able to change perspectives, because he/she has learned to see himself/herself through the eyes of the other and thus to perceive his/her appreciation. An upward spiral begins: I feel love so I share love. I feel loved because I receive love. I pass on this love with joy.
"If you speak all the languages of love fluently, you can make the world a little better. With every loving vocabulary you learn." - Angeline
You discover the love language of others, but also your own, by making observations. How do my loved ones express themselves and how do I express my love best? Through loving words or through gifts? Through time spent together? Through physical contact or through helpfulness?
What do people complain about and what is most often demanded?
With a little care, you will quickly find out the primary language of love.
Most people speak two languages fluently. It is fun to discover the other three and to try out through which ways and means love can still be expressed, and thus also to recognize how your fellow human beings express their love towards you. By recognizing, you can consciously accept them.
The desire to be loved is deeply rooted in us humans.
Feeling loved also teaches us to be wanted, to have a value and to belong (the latter being one of the two basic needs of every human being, along with freedom/autonomy).
What is important here, and this is no longer new for most people, is that no one can give you this feeling in the long term. Only you can do that through self-love. Only if you accept yourself fully with your strengths and weaknesses, you will experience the feeling of having arrived. Therefore take a short moment and answer the following questions:
Do you give yourself the attention you want others to give you?
Do you speak and think of yourself lovingly?
Do you touch yourself attentively and lovingly?
Do you give yourself gifts?
Do you go the extra mile to have a really good time?
The 5 languages of love can also inspire you to express and celebrate your love for yourself.
The 5 languages of love in detail
Language No 1: words of appreciation
You speak the love language of words ... if you like to express your love and affection verbally. In compliments, encouragement, praise, praise, encouragement, recognition and appreciation. If you enjoy sharing, listening and writing. If you find it easy to name things that are either too obvious or not remarkable enough for others. And if you like to be flattered with words.
send a postcard, write a love letter (It is unlikely that your loved ones will find a love-whatsApp in the attic after years)
hide notes with love messages in bags or distribute appreciation post-its around the house
Sharing romantic fantasies (Everyone writes their own in a book. Read from it or leave it for the other to discover) or write a love story together, always alternating sentence by sentence.
Language No 2: Togetherness - Quality Time
You speak this language when you love to spend time together and when you enjoy taking time for the other person. Really time! The mobile phone is off and everything else is put aside. NOW is the time you have reserved just for the two of you. This can be 2 minutes or a whole weekend. You are totally there. Present. Doesn't distract you.
The important thing here is not quantity, but quality. Together instead of side by side, undivided attention. The most valuable thing you have is given away: Lifetime.
Surprises such as a picnic together or a weekend together
Participation in a seminar or a
Discussions (An exchange of thoughts, feelings, experiences and desires in a pleasant non-judgmental atmosphere. Showing yourself, being heard, listening and getting to know each other in a new and different way).
Language No 3: Gifts
You speak the language of gifts when it gives you joy to give. The anticipation to enjoy, to see how the gift is opened, to rejoice in the joy of the other. If you never run out of ideas how to surprise your loved ones. It does not have to be expensive, it is the gesture that counts. You love to be surprised by small gifts just as often. You express through gifts: "Look, you are worth something to me. I thought of you."
Put a flower in the car, put it on the desk, pin it to the mirror.
Bring your favourite food, have your favourite sweets in stock or conjure up a fresh juice
get tickets for the cinema
Giving away things that others love: the books of your favourite author, the films of your favourite actor, ...
Create a surprise day
Language No 4: Service or 'do a favour' - Actions rather than words
You speak this language when you roll up your sleeves without reading too much and just act: do the washing up, get a new roll of toilet paper even though the old one is not quite finished, fix the bicycle basket ... . If you pay attention to the to do's and just get them done. Not many words are lost on this and if you do, then a man/woman is worth a word AND the deed.
In return, you appreciate it very much when small services are rendered to you. Active support is very important to you.
Run bath water for your lover and go the extra mile: Warm up the towels on the heater, clean the bathroom afterwards
Repair or improve something (e.g. renovate the bedroom: work out! tumble dryer out!)
Doing small and big errands (e.g. pick up a parcel, pump up the bike, run off quickly and buy parsley)
Give away vouchers for services (to be entered yourself)
Language No 5: Touch
You speak the language of touch when you love to touch and feel your loved one. Often, by the way, consciously, gladly and long. Holding his hand, playing with his hair, feeling his skin. You have the desire for a lot of sex, the longing for deep connection through touch, the desire to be taken in your arms often. Massages make you happy. Touching beautiful fabrics, soft hair and silky skin will drive you crazy in a positive sense.
Small touches on the side: the back stroker as he passes by, kisses "without reason", a hug from behind while the lover brushes his teeth, one kiss before the other can finish his sentence, ...
Watch a film together and scratch your head extensively
Sex, sex with a date, sex without time pressure, sex in unusual places.
And of course CUDDLE. Set a timer and cuddle. Really cuddle, no sex, no foreplay, just cuddle. Leave the sexual energy out of it for the moment and enjoy slowness, playfulness and mindfulness - without sexual arousal and free from pressure of expectation.
Hape Kerkeling said so beautifully: "Love is work, work, work." - which I only partly agree with ; ). In this case it is the willingness to learn the languages of my fellow men. Together we can conquer all five languages. Diversity is great.
Our Shop should give you a few small suggestions on how to express the different languages. (Everything still under construction.) A small sweet free-down-load is already available for you. Enjoy!